Remembering the Music, Forgetting the Words
When her mother began to exhibit the symptoms of dementia, Kate Whouley did what her English-teacher mom would want her to do: read up on the subject. She found lots of tips for preventing mental decline—too late for that—and a fair amount of practical advice for caregivers—moderately helpful, uniformly grim. Kate craved a compassionate companion with an appreciation for irony-and that’s what she gives us in Remembering the Music, Forgetting the Words. With honesty and good humor, Kate shares the tough, the tender, the heart wrenching and the laugh-or-you’ll-cry experiences of an Alzheimer’s caregiver.
As her mother falls into forgetting, Kate remembers for us. In her mother, we meet a strong-minded, accidental feminist with a weakness for unreliable men. We meet a daughter who learned early to fend for herself. We encounter their shared passions: books, words, and music. When the books are forgotten, and the words begin to fade, it is the music that matters most to Kate’s mother. Holding hands after a concert, a flute-case slung over Kate’s shoulder, and a shared joke between them, their relationship is healed—even in the face of a dreaded, and deadly diagnosis.
Remembering the Music is the story of two women, mother and daughter, who journey to a place where they are free from their not-uncomplicated past. Here, they meet each other in the present, sharing the only moment the mother knows, and one of many moments the daughter—and her readers—will remember.
PRAISE
“Reading Kate Whouley’s memoir felt like sitting down with an old friend over coffee…As a reader, I felt privileged to be on the receiving end of such a confidence, which concerns the most important issues: family, mortality, our aloneness in the world, our connection in the face of it. I read it in two sittings and turned the last page with regret.”
~ David Payne, author of BACK TO WANDO PASSO
“An exceptional memoir that reminds us—often with surprising humor—of the richness of life in good times and bad.”
~ David Dosa MD, author of MAKING ROUNDS WITH OSCAR
“Remembering the Music, Forgetting the Words made me want to go hug my mother. It also made me want to go hug Kate Whouley for her generous, fearless and spot-on recounting of a mother-daughter relationship during its most tragic yet poignantly beautiful years.”
~ Suzanne Strempek Shea, author of SUNDAYS IN AMERICA
“In Remembering the Music, Forgetting the Words, Kate Whouley explores the mysteries of the human heart with wisdom and wit, giving us a story rich with kindness and comfort.”
~ Amanda Eyre Ward, author of CLOSE YOUR EYES
“Remembering the Music is a dance of a daughter’s spirit as she releases her mother (and the reader) to another realm.”
~ Joan Anderson, author of A YEAR BY THE SEA
“Kate Whouley recounts her Mother’s journey into Alzheimer’s with heart-wrenching honesty and heart-warming compassion. The book explores the complex relationship of Mother and child, the nature of friendship, and the world of aging and dementia. But ultimately, it’s about what it means to be a caring human being. It made me laugh. It made me cry. It touched me deeply. I love this book.”
~ Chuck Robinson, Village Books, Bellingham WA
“I swallowed this book whole. Kate Whouley is a wonderful writer; the emotions sit right there on the page, waiting to be picked up and confronted by her readers. She is a born storyteller and although this not a happy story, in Kate Whouley’s intimate and insightful telling, there are moments of pure hilarity.”
~ Gayle Shanks, Changing Hands Bookstore, Tempe AZ
“With books as her background and music as her guide, Kate Whouley helps her mother navigate the journey of Alzheimer’s. Recalling her mother’s impressive past, Whouley tries to reconcile her “new” mother with the old. Whouley’s straightforward, and at times, very funny take at her mother’s struggles and her own will strike home to many readers familiar with the caregiver role. Incorporating her life-long passion as a flutist, Whouley’s tone and reflection of music in every aspect of the journey fills the book with hope and, yes, joy.”
~ Barbara Drummond Mead, editor of Reading Group Choices
“The loss of my mother many years ago still feels fresh, and l felt a little leery of this book. But once I picked it up, I could not put it down. Kate Whouley has written a book that feels like a friend’s arm around your shoulder, comforting you when you need it most. I completely identified with Kate Whouley’s plight and loved her writing. This is a book just about everyone can relate to and should read.”
~ Keebe Fitch, McIntyre Books, Pittsboro NC
“Remembering the Music, Forgetting the Words is powerful, funny, sensitive, insightful and inspiring. As so many of us struggle to care for our aging parents, we can find reassurance in Kate Whouley’s story. She shows us how the final stage in life can hold such wonder, and beneath the heartache—grace.”
~ Brian Woodbury, Toadstool Bookstore, Milford, New Hampshire
READING GROUP GUIDE: REMEMBERING THE MUSIC
1. In the opening chapter, we learn that Kate Whouley’s mother Anne is a strong, intelligent woman and a role model for her daughter. In Chapter Six, Mother-Daughter, we learn their relationship is more complicated. Did your expectations for their journey change as you learned more about their past? How are family relationships complicated or enhanced by shared history?
2. In the absence of siblings or a partner, Kate finds support in friends, particularly her longtime girlfriends. Do you have friends in your life who feel like family, or family members who feel like friends? How do you balance friendship and family?
3. Kate also seeks support and assistance from Suzanne, a professional in elder care. How does Suzanne help Kate to see her mother differently? Can you think of a situation in your family or personal life in which an outsider helped you gain perspective? How or why?
4. Kate, in Chapter Thirteen (Romper Room), mentions that she has never thought of her relationship with her mother as particularly “close.” Would you agree with her characterization? How does their relationship change during the course of the book?
5. How does Kate’s understanding of Alzheimer’s disease evolve over time? Does her increasing awareness affect her attitudes toward others in her life?
6. Kate makes a connection between playing music and caring for a person with Alzheimer’s. What is it? How might this approach be relevant to non-musicians? Can you think of other activities that require a similar sense of being present?
7. On page 105, Kate writes about aging and adaptation: “Our elders move from strength to debility and debility becomes the norm.” Have you ever had to make accommodations for aging elders in your life? In what ways was your experience similar to Kate’s? In what ways was your experience different?
8. “Memory is overrated,” the author declares on page 186. What does she believe is more important? Do you agree or disagree with the author?
9. In the church at Anne’s funeral (page 220), Kate feels especially glad when the Sunrise residents arrive. Why?
10. In Chapter Twenty-Four (After Words), Kate describes a series of dreams she has after Anne’s death. How would you interpret the final dream in that series? Why do you think the author chose to share her dreams with readers? Have you ever been helped or found solace in a remembered dream?
11. In Chapter Nineteen (The Moment), the author says, “I’ve learned to live life with my mother her way—moment to moment.” What else has Kate learned from her mother?
12. As a result of her care-giving journey, Kate has reflected on—and some cases, revised—the way she thinks and feels about the ways we live, die, relate and care for each other. Were there any moments in the story that caused you to consider a different approach to a situation in your own life?
13. The author ends the book with a description of a concert performance. How does this narrative choice affirm Kate’s enduring connection to her mother? Can you think of more than one way to interpret the title, Remembering the Music?
©2012 Beacon Press, Inc.
AUTHOR Q&A: REMEMBERING THE MUSIC
Libby Chats with Kate Whouley
Author Exposure, 2011, www.authorexposure.com
Libby: Your second book, Remembering the Music, Forgetting the Words, is a memoir about your relationship with your mother as both her daughter and caretaker. Following the release of your first book, you mentioned in an interview with Shannon Goheen that you were working on a fiction project. Did you continue working on this fiction project alongside writing Remembering the Music, Forgetting the Words? Please share with us a little bit about your writing process.
Kate: As a writer, I am inspired—first and foremost—by character. An understanding of character leads me to motivations, behaviors, stories. I began working on Cottage for Sale because I wanted to capture the images and voices of the builders, housemovers, tradespeople and townspeople who became the “village” it took to move that cottage. I can trace part of the inspiration for the novel you mention to a music theory professor who introduced me to the life and work of Nadia Boulanger, a remarkable 20th century musician and teacher. Decades after that introduction, Miss Boulanger found her fictionalized way to me. But before the novel could see print, I was confronted with another real-life character: my Mom. At first, I thought she might play a small part in another nonfiction project I was sketching. I should have known my drama-directing Mom would settle for nothing less than the starring role in Remembering the Music.
Libby: Your first book, Cottage for Sale, Must be Moved, is a delightful memoir about the year you spent moving a cottage onto your Cape Cod property. What role does humor play in your books?
Kate: I hope it makes people laugh! In Cottage for Sale, I’m working with a bit of a comic premise: single woman moves house. Humor helps to carry the plot along and allows me to grow serious and philosophical on occasion—without taxing the patience of readers. In Remembering the Music, the storyline is something closer to tragic. The book has more heft, and for me, that means it requires at least an equal amount of humor for leavening—some of it dark humor, some bright and light.
There were funny moments in my journey with my mother, and I wanted to be sure those were in there. We tend to get all serious when the word “dementia” enters a room. My mother, even suffering with memory loss, had a great sense of humor and a deep, uninhibited laugh. In the telling of our story, I hope I’ve managed to elicit at least an occasional giggle from her now untethered spirit.
Libby: Independent booksellers and reviewers alike are all abuzz about this book and have been suggesting it to book club groups. On your website, you encourage readers to contact you if they are interested in inviting you to participate in their book club discussion. As an author of two memoirs, what has your experience been like at book club meetings—discussing your life story?
Kate: Book groups are great, and I’m so happy that some groups find my work worth reading and discussing. But you’re right; it is different when the character’s motivations under discussion are real, rather than imagined—especially if the “character” happens to be Kate. It can be disconcerting, but it is always enlightening! Most book groups I’ve visited— either in person or by phone—enjoy talking about some of the themes in my work—independence and gender in Cottage, for example—and quizzing me on the story behind the story. Many book groups have writers as members, and I always enjoying sharing notes on the writing process.
Libby: How has your journey to publishing your second book compared to that of your first book?
Kate: It does feel different the second time around! I am perhaps more detached, more confident in my work, and less concerned with how folks respond to it. (Though of course, I hope readers will connect with the book!) With this one, I feel honored to be published by Beacon Press, a Boston-based independent house with a rich history, impressive list, and noble publishing mission.
Libby: It’s fairly uncommon for an author to write back to back memoirs. Why was it important for you to write two memoirs?
Kate: I believe that stories have their own timing and their own desires. I didn’t plan to write or publish back-to-back memoirs. Writing is mysterious, and I approach every project as an act of discovery. You begin, and you keep at it until you understand what you are writing. Then, you set the story free to become the book it has to be.